Greetings :D. How are you doing?
Well, THE time has come, it is my end-of-the-year message you’re about to read.
As usual, don’t expect it to be too holiday-cheerful or too short :D. So here we go…
This year has been quite something for me… For example, I ended up going to Cuba in February, and later on I ended up meeting a bunch of amazing people, all that because I was refused a British visa in December 2006… Go figure out the connection :D.
A day before my birthday I realized my life was perfect. Literally so – like when all pieces of a puzzle fit together and make up a stunning picture. The weekend right after my birthday made me 100% certain of this realization. It was actually a discovery astounding to the point of being creepy, in a way, but I sure hope my life stays that way. Turned out all the good AND the bad things led up, in the end, to something worthy and meaningful and quite awesome and I honestly wouldn’t change a single event of my life, whether I liked it or not at the time when it had happened. The way one thing leads to another in life is completely beyond our foresight. Sometimes even years later we don’t see the connections between events, but I saw it as vividly as it was possible at all to see how EVERY little event plays its role, resulting in something else. Creepy, once again, but awesome at the same time. There IS a meaning and a purpose to every single event, however small, in everyone’s life. That we cannot always SEE that doesn’t mean it’s non-existent, so please remember that for the future, it’s one little thing I wanted to share this year :D.
In 2007 I travelled to another 2 new destinations for me – Thailand and Sri Lanka. If you haven’t received my summer report (on Thailand) and/or the Sri Lanka story, they will be available to the public on my blog.
And now to the salt and pepper of this year’s message :).
The very end of the 2007 presented me with two interesting events, among everything else it made me face, that made me do what I do most often – think hard about them. Here’s what happened and what I thought about event number 1:
One normal evening I somehow managed to find out that one person I know was feeling down. Now, it happens, but it wasn’t an easy situation and here’s why: it is someone I know close enough to care about, but not close enough to be able to understand the history and the story and the thinking and everything behind that situation, and the situation was rather grave. It seems to have gotten better now, but that evening was quite bad… And what I hadn’t expected was that I was completely lost! I was lost for words or actions and none of my social skills or past experiences or knowledge came handy that evening…
And that’s exactly what got me thinking all night after it happened and a few proceeding days. I was wondering why I had no idea what to say or do, especially given that I had been once in that same place, that bottom of an ocean, as that place feels… I’ve been there, I’ve felt numb to life for several months – it’s like that feeling when you just wake up from a dream, that fraction of a seconds when you still can’t move and think and you don’t even know you’re awake yet – that kind of a feeling 24/7. Still, that didn’t help me the slightest bit to be helpful… I couldn’t be perceived as an objectively impartial voice of reason, yet I wasn’t an old, trusted friend either… I had no knowledge of the code to use to make the message get transmitted and register in the mind, without losing value and impact and meaning…
SO for the time being I allowed my heart and mind and intuition do the job of figuring out what to say and do and all I had left was watch them and see what happens, if anything. And I hoped at least something of what they’d come up with together would end up being that final grain of sand on the ocean floor that’d add to a small sand hill and make it tall and stable enough to use as a trampoline towards the surface, towards the air, the sunshine, the wide horizon, to the life and its endless possibilities and countless wonders and unprecedented beauty and everything that can be made better, too… At the same time, I had no way of knowing if I could make any difference, or even if I was the right person to even try to help out in the first place, and I don’t and never will know if I did… This, I guess, doesn’t matter now as this person seems to be feeling better, but what if it ever happened again?..
And I felt completely helpless… Worse yet, I felt completely worthless. I mean, what am I worth if I can’t even find the right things to say to someone who’s in need of a little push to the surface? Should I even have tried to do anything, or, given this strange relationship, should I have left it to someone else who knows that person better to do the job? Yet again, it’s someone I care about, so if I’m good for nothing when some reassurance is needed, what am I good for at all?.. And I don’t know the answers. I don’t know how to talk to someone who’s temporarily at the bottom of that ocean of mind-tricks intended at testing one’s willingness and might and skill to overcome and prevail. I don’t know, to begin with, if I’d even be heard through all that water. I don’t know how to tell whoever might be down there about the air, when that person is a tenth of a moment away from deciding to surrender and let the water into the lungs… I don’t know how to explain to anyone just HOW MUCH there is to LIVE FOR, and there are no words in either of the 4 languages I happen to speak to help me come up with a convincing set of arguments… Maybe it has to do with the fact that no one talked me out of drowning, I talked myself out – maybe that’s why I’ll never know how to talk to someone else? So how much then am I worth as a friend? How much am I worth as a shoulder? Not too much, heh?..
So this is one essential part of this end-of-the-year message. I can only speak for myself and I doubt having any influence or authority on anyone, let alone the superpowers to influence thinking, but at least I can try plant the seed, throw in my personal little grain of sand into everyone’s heads cuz, after all, these things add up to deserts and at the very least I have the power to sit down and write things I think about and share them with you. Thus, from personally me, I wish to tell you in advance, that shall it ever happen that you might begin to be feeling the symptoms of the “I don’t really see a point of and/or a reason for living” disease, in any form it may take, please do whatever it takes as fast as you can to show yourself how profoundly wrong you are even having this or a similar thought in your head, do it BEFORE you end up miles under the water. I’ve been that deep down, feeling so dead I thought I might just as well match how I felt with the reality. Somehow, though, I stumbled upon my own little grain of sand for the hill and made it back to the surface, and by all means I am nothing but extremely happy about managing to do that! I know now, had I decided to end my biography back when I wanted to, I would’ve missed SO many truly amazing things it would’ve been a damn crying shame, and I would’ve hated my guts from up there somewhere (if that up there somewhere existed) for doing it and missing out on all that has come later in life! I’m certain I’d be so bitter it’d’ve taken me several lifetimes to stop being mad at myself :D.
I mean, sure thing I would’ve saved myself a considerable portion of headaches, quite a collection of trouble and a rather weighty load of deep sh*t that all came with the package called “living” – unquestionably so. But, still, this all other stuff, the cool, the great, the marvelous, the awesome, the inspiring and the wonderful stuff – all of it was so much more than all the evil going on around every day, all of it meant much more, so had I chosen not to experience any of it, it would indeed have been the dumbest decision ever made in the universe, as rational as it seemed back then…
Now, that evening, I was in a situation, and still am, when I realized I don’t have any superpowers to get inside of another person’s head and run a system check for “self-destruct” virus, delete it from the software, clean up all the additional glitches and re-arrange it inside so that the mind would realize that, for real, life isn’t something to just let go to waste – it’s still the best thing ever offered to us and the only way to change anything around is to stay alive and work on it… Therefore, I hope this part of the message can contribute to the anti-virus protection, if you manage to read through. I hope this will be at least a small grain of sand, if ever needed, for that hill – and I hope you’ll never need it – because even if it’d end up being less than a grain, even if it’d end up as little as a quark of an atom composing that grain, if I’d manage by this message to add any height to anyone’s hill, or to add any component of the anti-virus program, ever in my life, then I’d know I had lived a worthy life, after all. I don’t want to watch anyone else at the bottom – I have no idea what to do in that situation! – so I’m writing as a preventive measure from such occurrences, I’m sharing this little experience so that you never allow yourself to go so much down. If it’d help to not sink too deep, or in any way prevent the act of drowning of a life, that’d render my life complete and worth living a million times over – all the sh*t and crap in it that has already happened and is yet to happen in the future included – I’m willing to accept the whole package without even a thought of a second thought, so bring it on!
And an event number 2, a tiny bit related to the topic but of a different nature, was a letter from another dear to me person.
That dear to me person, who I always considered as a family member, wrote me a long letter, in the face of certain financial matters we need to settle between us, in which I learned several interesting things. One was, in 2 years we spent close to each other, I never was a friend… Interestingly enough, I wasn’t allowed to be a friend! I wasn’t ever told anything, nothing was ever shared with me, and in the end I was the bad one for not ‘being there’… I found that a bit amusing. Imagine: I’d invite you to come to my house for my birthday. You’d show up, smile and gift and congratulations all with you, and start ringing the door bell… And no one would answer… So you’d ring more, you’d knock on the door, maybe go to the window and scream, or throw stones, or send a text message no one would reply, give several calls no one would pick up the phone to answer… Then after 40 minutes or so you’d take your greetings and gift (cuz smile would sure no longer be there) and, well, walk away. And THEN a few days after I’d see or call you and start bitching at you for not showing up at my birthday party! How’s that? Well that’s exactly what was happening, I was standing in front of a closed door, not for 40 minutes but for 2 years. I’d walk away for a bit, then come back try knocking again… And in the end I get scorned for never being there… Such is life… It was a long letter with much more substance, but that’s internal matters.
Funnily enough, a part of it that was interesting was the part that said I have no friends… That everyone around me just want something from me and that’s why they stick around… Wow, man, I never knew I had so much to offer! I’m not a VIP, I don’t give money (mainly because i don’t have any to give), I don’t know anyone whom anyone else would want to know for something, if anyone wants something from me, I’d love to know what exactly it is cuz I might use it myself if I know what it is that I got! 😀
Jokes aside, that’s a serious accusation from someone who was around for two years… Plus, I was told I’m impossible to talk to and I left a bad impression on most of this person’s friends (people that I know a tiny little bit) because all I ever want is to argue and prove other people stupid… Hmmm… I wish I knew I was trying to prove other people stupid, when I always thought I was just engaged in exercise of the minds when no one is ever proved smart or stupid and when I actually wish I’d be proved stupid more often than not because that’s the way to learn something new and interesting… And the friends that I don’t have – the reason I “don’t have them” (at least in the understanding of my dear beloved… errmmm… person, well, since I was never a friend…) is because they just belong to a group of people who never go to the same places that people we both know go to, so my beloved person never COULD see any of my personal friends – we never intersect. Hence, they don’t exist (quite a few people reading this now should know they actually don’t exist haha 😀 here’s something for you to think about over new year’s 😀 ).
The reason why I brought this letter up is, I guess, just to see what you might think about it. In addition, maybe it should make us all think that, when we expect and/or need and/or want someone to be there for us, maybe we should first make sure we leave the door open for them to come through?.. And we often keep the doors closed, we’re scared of the vulnerability open doors represent, but when we need a friend, there’s no way anyone CAN be a friend to us through a closed door… One aching head is good, two aching heads are still better at problem solving :D. Never mind that it’s most often to be a virtual visit (via the omnipresent world wide web) – it’s still better than staying locked in with the problems trying to sort them out alone. And when you want some particular friend or person you know to be there for you, let them know you need them: open the door. They can’t otherwise be what you need them to be, they can’t read your mind if you don’t speak it – we all, for some reason, rely on telepathic powers of people closest to us… – they DON’T REALLY have them, not all the time at least 😀 – so leave the door open and de-brief them, because only THEN they can be a friend/support/whatever to you.
So here’s to the new year, to the open doors and to communication. It’s funny how, the more means of communication enter our every day lives, the less people actually end up talking to each other, sharing, listening, learning from one another, communicating effectively… Let’s all keep this in mind and try to make sure we’re heard correctly when we speak, make sure we understand what the other person means before we answer or draw conclusions. Let’s use whatever tools we have, even as imperfect as simple language, to stay connected to each other, to not just talk parallel to one another, but to really exchange messages, ideas, thoughts, feelings… We enrich one another by this, so let’s make each other super-rich in the new year and the rest of them coming up! And in addition we should all should try deliver this thought and idea about life being worth living to everyone we know and care about, so that we will never have to watch them through miles of water small and vulnerable down there at the bottom. Let’s live and inspire to live, to create, to change, to fight for the better, to hope, to learn, to help – if there’d be enough of us occupied with the task, we’d eventually overcome all the bad stuff around, mark my word – all we need is a critical mass. And yes every one matters, because even the greatest deserts are made of tiny particles of sand – the trick is having enough of those “insignificant” particles in one place at one time and ta-da! Here’s a desert. Same with changing the world – each of us should try and do what we can, little things. If enough people would be doing it, eventually the world WILL change.
And well, as a customary addition to the message itself, something from me… One is a reminder from the bottom of the ocean. The other one is to life and being true to oneself and one’s goal and soul. Enjoy the read, happy holidays, and stay in touch!
Gallons of love to all :O)
Finally, here is a customary treat to fit the theme: